The End?

I wonder what those kids would say to us today?

        If they could tell their parents one more thing before they leave,

I wonder what it would be?

But, 

we won’t ever hear them speak again.

Schools should be safe. 

He took a shotgun to the special education room. Sick fuck. 

Those are my kids. 

Innocent. 

They were innocent. 

Megan was there. But she’s not here now. He got her. 

I think I know what she would say—it’s stuck in my head,

“The only thing more powerful than hate is love.”

Disabled children. Teachers. Gone. 

“The only thing more powerful than hate is love.”

It’s a nightmare. This has to be a nightmare. Stuff like this can’t keep happening here. Not in Bend. Not home.

“The only thing more powerful than hate is love.”

The End.

Tough time to be going through a break-up, Kid. You should probably talk to someone. 

I’m talking to you . . . Besides, this isn’t about me. My little feelings about pushing away the woman I love are dim in comparison to the grief this community is feeling; it’s microscopic compared to what the parents must be going through. And . . . I imagine what those kids must’ve seen . . . And I can’t focus on myself. Why should I? How could I?

. . .

She’s all I want. But she’s gone—not gone like Megan is gone, but gone to me.  

Stuff like this doesn’t happen in Bend. All I want is my best friend . . . But this isn’t about me. This is about the kids. 

Stuff like this doesn’t happen in Bend. All I want is my best friend. 

But she left and I can’t blame her, can I? . . . Shhhh, I was a secret she tried to keep.

I wonder what those kids would tell me to do. 

. . .

 . . .

“If you love her then don’t give up. Love is worth it. Love is powerful. Love is a miracle. Make it right. Apologize. I’d give anything to tell my parents I love them one more time . . .”

But Kids,

I was a secret she tried to keep. Shhhh, Kids, keep me hidden. I always was a temporary partner to her-she made that clear. She became everything I fear. We were never really together. I loved her mask, her wounds, her broken heart, and she never even saw me. A blackbird with a broken wing . . . She held back everything. And she loved the way I made her feel and not who I really am. That's not real. Somehow dodging her trauma became my responsibility, and not hers to heal. I was walking through a minefield others had planted just to try to get to her. There was never even a chance to see the woman underneath the act. I shared everything with her and she never even met me. I can't do another apology. The person who broke me told me I was too broken to be with-too hurt to heal with. This can't be real life, can it? She wants to lead, but if she did, she'd lead us right off of a cliff. But she wants to dismiss it all as 'Older sibling shit'. And I am asked to accept it . . . I love her with everything in me. So why does it feel so heavy?

After all I forgave and she can't even stay after one drunken fight? This isn't love. This isn't right . . . She ran every time something felt off, trusting her fleeting feelings and not the man she knew. How can I trust someone who breaks-up with me whenever she isn't happy? Nothing about us was true. I have to be perfect or else she runs away. This is not okay. I can't be a human. She doesn't know how to stay. She's too afraid. And I don't know how to say goodbye. I was wrong and I can't even sincerely apologize. Why? . . .

Can we even fix this?

So kids, how do I forgive when I was a secret she tried to keep? How do I apologize when I feel like everything was justified?

“Just remember, the only thing more powerful than hate is love. Sometimes a broken thing just needs a home to heal in. Believe in love again."

Thanks Kids. I'll try.

The saddest thing I’ve realized about this is,

those kids will never get to fall in love.

He robbed that from them. 

The End.

. . . This can’t be the end. All I want is my best friend.  

How selfish am I?

The worst tragedy imaginable strikes

and all I can think about is

her and I.

Is this really goodbye?

Can't we fix this?

Life is short and love is shorter. Can't we fix this before it's too late? I made a mistake . . .

Kids die and all I feel is the weight of saying goodbye.

How selfish am I?

This isn't about me. This is about the secrets we keep. And grief. And love. And evil. And the kids. It's just all filtered through my lens

and my lens is broken.

I'm sorry for what I did.

. . . This can’t be the end. All I want is my best friend. 

CH 10/19/26