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Not Really Poetry

Updated: Dec 13, 2021

This one isn’t really a poem.

It’s a ‘Help Wanted’ ad.

I need help.

Serious help.

I don’t know grammar.

I was too busy daydreaming at school to learn it.

I don’t know very many words.

I was too busy flirting with the pretty girls.

I once got 13th place at a spelling bee.

There were only fourteen 6th graders competing.

Thank god for Hunter Benjamin.

That stupid bastard.

He was the first contestant up

and he had to spell ‘belligerent’.

The stupid bastard couldn't do it.

He was out first.

I was up next...

I also couldn’t spell it.

But now,

I could get belligerently drunk

And pound at the keys.

There were things there,







Pieces of myself.

The only problem was,

I wasn’t sure where all the dots went

I didn’t know how all the words were spelled.

I didn’t know the structures

I didn’t speak the language.

I had a limited canvas to create.


I could learn.


I am trying too,

there’s only so many hours in the day though.

Like I said,

This is not a poem.

I need help.





I need you Ed.

I cannot do this alone.

I am not smart enough yet.

But still,

I pound away.

It’s really not good.

It’s rough around the edges.

I need you to polish me.

You might be thinking perverted thoughts about polishing me right now

But my sweet Ed,


We don’t have time for that.

I need help asap.

Set your perverted thoughts for me aside.

We have work to do.

There’s no time for your perversion.

We have to focus on my shitty writing.

I need you to ride me hard.

Really hard.

I am a wild animal.

I need you to break me.

Make sure I stay on task.

Tie me up.

Make me do it.

Whatever it takes.

Sit me in front of my laptop

And make me write.

However you have to make me do it.

By whatever means necessary

I submit to you.

You are my Ed.

And after you’ve ridden me hard

After you’ve whipped me into submission

After you’ve tied me up

After you’ve made me write

Please go fix it.

And hey Ed,

one more thing,

please be a beautiful woman...

...who wants to work for free.


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