Y'all's a bunch of phonies, ya know that, don't ya’s?
So many phonies out there.
Acting all proper, like they don't got demons inside of em.
Ain't we sick of em?
Ain't we?
So fake.
So proper.
As if when they're home they ain't slugs.
They're slugs alright.
But worse than that,
They're parasites.
Sucking the life out of ya, they will, I tell ya’s. They'll suck you dry if you let em.
A bunch of fakes,
Ass-kissing,
Phonies.
They would rather be anything but themselves in public.
Whatever mask they got to wear.
And,
Me too,
I'm the biggest phony.
Pretending to be JD,
Just cause it's a fun mask.
So silly.
All these phonies, I tell ya.
So sad, ain't they?
All these depressed American artists; they're all so sad, ain't they?
I thought the Russians were bad, but these American authors, they'll kill ya. I tell ya what, these American authors will kill ya. They really will.
Why's it always the tragedies that get considered great art? Ain't that a little screwy?
Ain't that backwards?
Don't we focus on the negative a little too much?
What do you think?
. . . Ay, well, what do you know anyhow? Nothing. You know nothing. I tell ya, you're a phony too. Yeah you are.
Ain't we all?
I like to pretend to be Bukowski. And I like to try to be Hemingway. And I like to be JD. And even Dennis. But man are they depressing sometimes. They really are.
Why are all the American classics so goddamn sad?
I tell ya, these American authors will drive ya mad if you let em.
All these Hollywood movies, they'll make ya depressed. They really will.
And during a cold winter, when all you got are these sad stories on your TV, it'll really numb ya up. It really will.
Well . . . Maybe that's enough for tonight. Maybe I had enough drinks and pretended to be an interesting human for awhile tonight and I should stop. I read a book in a restaurant and you got to be one special phony to read a book at a restaurant. I even took up a whole goddamn table because I hate sitting at the bar. What a phony I am.
I even go to the coffee shops and declare myself a writer for everyone to see, and then I sit down and write a few things. And everyone sees it. And I like to see them see me. I like to see them. I like to watch people. And I like to ignore them too. I really am a degenerate you know. You knew that though, didn't ya? Yeah, you knew.
I really am a degenerate. I don't know nothing either. I really don't. But, man, let me tell you something real quick, you shouldn't read these American classics. You really shouldn't. They'll depress the hell out of ya. They really will.
Why's it got to be this way, kid? Huh? Why's it got to be this way? Can't it be different? Dontchu think it can be different? A story doesn't have to be depressing as well to be taken seriously. Nah, I don't think so… I don't think so, kid.
These authors, let me tell ya, they love to depress the hell out of ya. They really do. I reckon a few of them even get off on it. I do think that. It's true. They get off on making you sad as hell. They make you question everything and don't give any answers. They get off on that, I think.
They ain't all bad. I'm not saying that. And I like a good depressing story every so often. It's true, I do. Especially in the middle of a cold winter. I hate the cold. I really do. I live in the wrong place. But I won't move. It's such a hassle to move. It's too cold to move. And all the packing and whatnot, it's too much work to do. I have too many books and too many jackets I don't wear. So I ain't moving. Eternal sunshine sounds nice to me, though. Don't that sound nice to you? . . . Ay, well you know nothing, you big phony. Maybe I wouldn't like depressing stories in the eternal sunshine? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying here, kid, dontchu?
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