Forgiveness And Silence

Forgiveness and . . . What else was it? Shit, you already forgot? Golly, dude. Get it together. Try to remember . . . Eh, I’m sure it’ll come back into the ol thinking box up here if I keep typing. What’re we forgiving again? Ourselves? For being so afraid? For being so god damn pathetic? Oh . . . For the silence. The silence! That was it! Today’s focus is on Forgiveness and Silence. See? It usually comes back to me. I fear I’ve gotten so comfortable disappearing into stories that I am fairly comfortable disappearing from my own story. I could just fade away from this stage . . . The silence has already created the detachment process. It would be so easy to disappear from her—from us. All I have to do is nothing and everything will come crumbling down around me. How interesting. All I have to do is just exist for this life to go to complete shit. Silence! The silence has been . . . I don’t know how the silence has been. But I can hear my own voice again. The problem is, I don’t like what my own voice is asking of me. It’s asking me to forgive. It’s asking me to break the silence. It’s asking me to be brave enough to have my heart broken again. And again and again and again until love can live. Well, shit. That’s a big ask. This voice is so damn demanding of me. This guilt is heavy. The silence has been . . . I don’t know. She’s already gone. I am holding on just to hold on. The silence is growing louder every day. And every day we break a little more. This silence has consequences. We must forgive ourselves for this. Spiraling into shame would be a weight we’d carry to the grave. We will have to forgive ourselves for the silence. I am sorry. I am no one, with nothing, going nowhere. She deserves better than this shit. The silence is just quiet fear. And I let it win. I am letting the fear win . . . When will I be brave again? It comes and goes in waves. It always does, doesn’t it? I wonder if I will have the courage to break the silence so my heart can be broken again? How exciting . . .

CH 9/4/26