Yesterday I was done with you.
For the first time,
I told myself to stop thinking about you
and really mean it.
Yesterday I finally let go.
I knew it was time.
Yesterday I was ready to love someone new.
Yesterday I was healing.
Yesterday,
as I was walking my dog,
I took a deep breath,
smiled,
and moved forward.
I finally felt okay.
Well,
that was yesterday.
Life,
or god,
or whatever it is that pulls the strings of circumstance,
had other ideas for me.
Too often when I feel I know something,
or when I feel l’ve made the correct decision,
life pulls the rug out from under me,
and I fall on my face.
It had been 294 days since I had last seen you.
Everyone of those days,
I imagined what it would be like to see you again.
I played out every scenario in my head,
what I would do,
and what I would say.
I can’t help it,
it’s the curse of the anxious mind.
Today,
I went to have drinks with my friend Katie.
Today,
I was feeling good.
Today,
I’ve had one too many drinks.
Today,
I was on the journey to becoming a whole person again.
Katie and I drank and ate together
at a bar she chose.
We swapped dating stories,
(We are both terrible at dating)
She brought her dog into the bar with us,
I drank my beer,
sat back,
and scratched behind the ear of her lab.
Everything was alright in the world.
Then I looked up.
“Oh fuck…”, I said.
“What is it?”Katie replied.
“....It’s her…. For fuck’s sake!’
I sat down,
and tried to chill the fuck out.
No luck.
Only two women in the world can send me into a full panic attack,
The blonde walking into the bar
is one of them.
I couldn't believe it.
Yesterday,
I was over you.
Yesterday,
I had finally woken up from the dream.
Yesterday,
I had finally put you in the past.
Yesterday,
I was whole again.
Today,
you sat one table over,
facing me,
never looking my way,
but right there,
10 feet away.
Today,
I spiraled back to the sad sack of shit I’ve been for the last 293 days.
(Minus yesterday)
Today,
my heart was beating out of my chest.
“Who is she??”,
Katie asked.
I couldn’t speak.
I just sat there,
nervously fiddling with my hands.
Straight panic mode had been engaged.
“....She’s the only one that matters…”
I whispered to her.
Our food arrived
but I no longer had an appetite.
All those times of playing every scenario in which I saw her again,
didn’t matter.
I wasn’t the man I had imagined I would be in this situation.
I was a bumbling blob of skin and bones.
I was barely a person.
I couldn’t think or speak.
All I could do was try not to look at her,
but I did,
several times.
It was impulsive.
I had no control anymore.
Just an impulsive blob of skin and bones.
The logical mind vanishes in these moments.
I hated that you were still beautiful.
I had almost tricked myself into believing you were an ugly witch.
I hated that I heard your voice again,
I had almost forgotten about it.
I hated that yesterday I felt great
but today,
today was slapping me in the face,
reminding me that I have very little control over my own life.
Today,
I had to admit that yesterday was the dream.
Now I am getting slapped around by reality.
Today,
I had to realize that I was feeding my mind a delusion;
That Yesterday was just wishful thinking.
Today I was reminded that you are not an ugly witch.
Today I was reminded about who I really am.
Today I was rudely reminded about the influence you had on my life.
Today I was brought back to earth.
I sat there
trying not to look at you.
You gossiped loudly with your friends.
Katie told a long ass story,
I looked right at her
and didn’t hear a word she said.
45 minutes went by
and we were both acting like the other person wasn’t there,
right in front of us.
You got up
and left.
Never once did I see you look at me.
and maybe,
you didn’t see the times I snuck a glance at you.
That was it.
That was seeing you again.
I hate that you still have this spell over me.
If you are a witch,
would mind lifting whatever cruel spell you have over me?
That’d be great.
And If you aren’t a witch,
if are just a beautiful woman…
then I guess I’ll wait for another day like yesterday.
-C.H.
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