One Year Ago Today

One year ago today a lady stumbled into my life. I liked a few of her pictures and she sent me a message. She was a stranger to me, and honestly, she looked kind of dorky. I never suspected a thing. I didn’t even notice her beauty. We talked and talked and talked and talked, never stopping to breathe. Her voice became so sweet to me. Suddenly, life was exciting. And then she flew to me. That was it. She stayed for a week and I was changed completely. I knew I was already in love with her because when we said goodbye, and I watched her fly away, I was not okay. I lost my shit. My other half was 1,600 miles away. My best friend was only on the other end of my phone again. Something was missing and I wasn’t alright without it. It was her. For the first time since I was a kid, I needed someone. No one has ever been more beautiful to me than she. She was everything I never knew I needed. I started to see life differently. My selfishness and pride could no longer hide; I had to sacrifice these things to be truly seen. I took off my armour that I had been wearing for so long—never realizing how heavy it had become until it was off my body—and bared myself, naked and vulnerable, in front of her hazel eyes. She trusted me just enough to do some of the same. Together, we felt safe. Our souls intertwined: body, spirit and mind. Our souls became tied. It was like nothing I had ever imagined was truly real. We shared: music, books, poetry, dreams, movies and memories—all the things that make life worth living. Her heart is sweet and dark. I love it. A blackbird with a broken wing; something inside of her was hurting. She put on a brave mask and never let me see her pain. It wasn’t an act, it was the way she adapted to survive her past. I thought we could mend her broken wings, but it turned out that I was the broken thing—I was a Canary who couldn’t sing. A useless thing. So full of fear. So afraid to lose the thing I never imagined I would need, someone else. The obvious often makes us oblivious to things that are most important. Before I had met her I had come to terms with being single forever. I thought writing would be enough to fulfill me. I thought music and books were enough. Imagining life alone in my 60’s was okay with me. Well, I don’t see the world like that anymore. I had no idea what I would be missing by never experiencing love. I should have known better. It was obvious. She showed me that loving is always worth it. I have no regrets. I have memories seared into my soul that I’ll never forget. And I don’t recognize the man from a year ago. He doesn’t feel like me. I am changing and I have no idea what I am now becoming. All I know is that I have been asked to let go of so many things I wanted to be. The journey is what is shaping me now, not my expectations. The identity is crumbling and it has been humbling. The ego has let go of so many schemes. There are things I never knew I wanted before that I want now. There are so many ways to live a life. There is no need to force one. Someone who was just a stranger a year ago has changed my soul. I’d say that’s a miracle. It’s not that easy to change a soul. I’d even call it magic. It doesn’t matter if she chooses to stay or to go, I will always be grateful to have met her. Through all of this, I have learned to always try to live from a place of love, and not from a place of fear; but, sometimes fear looks like love and love looks like fear. It's not always clear to us who are in it which is which. I used to mistake lust for love but because now I have felt what love really is, it is love that I lust for. Only true love will do now. Sex without love doesn't interest me anymore. I am no longer shallow. Give me the deepest love to fall into. That's what I yearn for. I used to settle for superficial or convenient connections. Not anymore. I used to love whoever loved me. Not anymore. I used to respect whoever respected me. Not anymore. And maybe most importantly, I had to learn to be secure in who I am without her. I had to respect myself while also losing the person I loved. I had to be okay walking away from her when she no longer wanted to be together. I had to give up everything I never knew I needed. And I had to take some accountability for why it didn't work out. I had to sit with losing her. I had to learn. I had to hurt. And I had to keep living. I went to heaven and then down to hell, and I am still here, grateful to have met her. On the inside, the thing I feel as my soul, it feels so different than it did a year ago. That's how I know it's changed so profoundly. Everything feels different this year. Maybe I had to experience her biggest fear to truly understand her. Maybe now I finally do.

-CH 4/13/26