Active Shooter

It happened again. Another active shooter, this time at an elementary school. It was only a few years ago when Ethan shot-up Safeway, killing two people. But this time it was an elementary school . . . This community is grieving. This community is bleeding. The richest city in the richest state is broken. Schools should be safe. They say he, a 16 year old kid, shot through the locks with a shotgun. I’ve worked at Silver Rail Elementary School several times; I’ve worked at almost all the elementary schools in the district, but this isn’t about me. No, this is about grief. This is about evil. This is about darkness. Spooky season is canceled this year. Life is scary enough for kids these days. I can’t believe it happened again. How many times can a young man grab a gun and kill someone just to kill someone? It didn’t used to be like this . . . The enrollment this year for the school district is down 500+ kids. This won’t help. Today feels like a nightmare. Yet, people just carry on. I suppose they have to. But not me, I have to leave a piece of me behind. This October sucks. Unfortunately, a bookmark in time gets cemented here, never to be forgotten. I hate to bring this up, but, my lady left me two weeks ago. I pushed her away, pretty much forcing her to do it. I was drunk. And I didn’t actually mean anything I said. I lost her anyway. . . . But, this isn’t about me. It’s about this town. Only, all I can think about is her. But this isn’t about us! It’s so much bigger than her and I. This is about good and evil. The mind is a battlefield and our souls are for sale. This isn't about me! I deleted a passionate Instagram post talking about what happened because I thought I talked about my personal experience, and how toxic society is, too much. I made it about myself and how I felt. Typical. All I really wanted was a text from her checking to make sure I was still alive. That’s all I wanted. Instead I got the silence I created. She’s gone. Kids are gone. A teacher, Megan from The Boys And Girls Club, is gone. Fear is here. Fear is knocking on the door. This community has never suited me, but now we are hurting. I wish I could help in some way, but again, something about that also feels selfish. Why does everything I say or do feel so phony? . . . I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I need her. I love her. It’s all about her. I can’t be true if I don’t have her. I am so selfish. Disabled kids were killed. My kids. Yet, all I can think and feel is the loss of losing her. I am so selfish. I feel so much guilt and shame for pushing her away, and I feel even more guilt and shame because in the middle of god damn tragedy all I can think about is her—which only makes me feel more guilt and shame. Everyone is crying and praying for the kids and the parents and I am dying on the inside because of her and I. How selfish am I? No one but her knows what I am really going through, and she’s gone. And it’s my fault. I'm sorry, Kids, all I know is that I love her and I don't want to lose her. What happened to y'all broke me just enough to let all these feelings burst through. I am sorry this happened to you. I don't know why this happened to you. Two lessons from this are trying to stick to me like glue. And maybe that's because of you.

"Sometimes we will only feel the responsibility to be good after being confronted with horrifying evil."

And this one,

"The only thing more powerful than hate is love."

CH 10/16