Koda

A dog got diagnosed with cancer today.

I love this dog.

She always has the biggest smile on her face when she sees me.

I will miss this smile so much.

I will miss her.

She is the sweetest thing.

I think she loves me back.

I cried when they told me.

For hours.

I drank to numb the pain.

She is my friend.

She feels like family.

They say she has days,

weeks,

maybe months if she’s lucky.

I can’t conceptualize this,

so I will continue to believe that she will live for months,

maybe years more.

She will live.

For now.

For today.

Every time I see her,

grief overwhelms me.

It could be the last time I hug her.

The last time I pet her.

I know she won’t live much longer

But

I can’t let myself know this at the same time.

I’m incapable of holding onto both beliefs simultaneously.

They say that one of the reasons you get a family dog is so you can teach your children about life and death.

How cruel for the kids.

How evil of the parents.

I’ve lived with dogs before but she is different.

She is family.

I can’t fathom the day when I don’t get to see her smile.

I know it's coming soon.

I used to think that how we’ve manipulated the evolutionary trajectory of dogs was cruel.

Now I know the bond between man and dog justifies this.

Only a few people in my life will bring out more emotion when they pass than her.

She was kind to me.

Her smile is human-like.

Some of her other mannerisms were human-like too.

I used to think the fact she’s eaten so much weed enlightened her,

and she was somehow more conscious than most other canines out there.

She is my friend.

She slept so much I thought she was more cat than dog.

She was always so happy.

And she made the rest of us around her happy as well.

It was contagious.

I will remember her for the rest of my life.

I think someday I will get a Pitbull.

She won’t be the same as her.

I know this.

She will not be a replacement for her.

Nothing could replace her.

I will never clown another dog owner for being irrational about their dog ever again.

I only knew her for 3 of her 11 years.

I can’t imagine the emotion that goes with knowing her her whole life.

I wish I would’ve.

A dog is responsibility.

I’ve avoided responsibility at times.

She has taught me that dogs are worth it.

Thank you for being a part of my life Koda.