Toxic Thinking

One of the ways that I really think about something

Is when I know someone in my life

Holds an opposing opinion on an social, moral, or political

issue then I do–

I’ll play out a conversation with that person

In my mind

About that issue

And make our opposing opinions collide

Over and over again

I’ll do this

I’ll ‘simulate’ a discussion

I’ll steal man

I’ll straw man

I’ll put myself in their shoes

And empathize with them

It becomes a debate in my mind

With me playing two sides

But obviously

I have my bias

I’ll defend my stance against 100’s of collisions

Their slings and arrows never touch me

Because I cannot rest

Until I’ve ‘won’ the conversation.

This is poison

This is toxic

The real feelings of an argument stir inside of me

I grind my teeth

And clench my jaw

I make a fist

And the imagination goes wild.

These arguments only take place in my head

But sometimes

The bitter feelings

Of the someone

They linger

And undeservedly so

They were never truly there to speak their peace

But for some reason

I’ve beaten them

And they don’t even know it...

I don’t like that I do this

But

If I am being honest

I know

It really is when I do some of my best thinking.

Another poison I choose to sip on.

-C.H.