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The Lonely Stone

We had been casually seeing each other for a few months, when she realized she had developed jealousy. She had a moment, she said, when she thought I was with another woman. And her reaction to it revealed her feelings to herself. We had met-up for sex only 5 or 6 times in the last few months; but when we did, it was incredible. The chemistry was natural, and the conversations that flowed after the sex were natural too. She said there was also a moment when I told her that I will never demand her attention, she’s free to give it to me if and when she wants to– but I wouldn’t become upset if she didn’t respond. In the beginning, sometimes, it would take her days to respond; and that was okay with me. It was casual sex, with no pressure for anything more.

She recently realized she has feelings for me, and she recently found out that a woman that I cared a lot about a few years ago is living in this house now. She said she read a few poems about her. She said that she has to ‘rip the bandaid off’, and stop seeing me now. She said I should be proud, a man hasn’t made her want to commit in a long time; and only two other men ever have. She said she was moving away in a year anyways.

I told her I wrote a few poems about her too, but mostly, I sat there with my chin in my palm, holding my head up, as I stared off into the distance. She said not to look at her like she was a hurt puppy. I told her that absolutely wasn’t how I was looking at her. I chugged my beer. She kept apologizing for her cheeks turning red. She was very flustered, she said. She said she will see me again at our friend's wedding in 6 months, and if I am still single, I will have to have wedding sex with her. I told her I would like that. (That wedding is going to be a shitshow for me, but that’s a whole nother story.) Sometimes, after she would say something, I’d just stare off in silence; contemplating my current life choices. She’d nervously try to fill the silence. It hurt. All of it hurt so deeply. She didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve it either, but she really didn’t. I took a shot of tequila and didn’t feel it go down. I stared off into the distance.


‘You’re a great guy, you know it, don’t you?’


‘I don’t feel like one.’





I let her go

Like yesterday's snow

Beautiful

And always

Fleeling


I let her go

But the hole

In the soul

Will always remain

The doubts

That ricoshay

Behind the eyes

Like brakes that scream at you

As you slam into them

To avoid sliding on the ice

Into the van full of kids

And a single mom


I’ll always wonder

If I was wrong for this

I guess we’ll find out

If I am strong enough for this

Letting her go

Was not the show

I wanted to watch

But the play never stops

And the channel cannot be changed

My puppets in my cave

Dance

And pretend to be

Happy

They don’t know

That I let her go


One down

And now

One more to go


This next one

Will gently

Kill me


She’s an angel

Whos been hurt

So many times before

She doesn’t deserve it…


But this is what I get

For having girlfriends

While having her in my home

Gradually

Rolling all alone

Down

Down

Down

To the bottom

All while my insides feel

Rotten


This is the play that I chose

And I must sit back

And watch it all unfold

Even if it is

All alone


A lonely

Rolling

Stone

Plops into some water

At the bottom

Of the cave

In the deepest darkest

Abyss


‘Swim.’

A voice softly calls out to me from the cave walls

‘Swim in the darkness

And become

The artist.’


I tread the water

In the darkness

And look up

To the subtle light

Dimly shining

So far away from me

And try to swim.


-C.H.

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