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Jokes at a funeral

Updated: Dec 13, 2021

She had just ended things with her boyfriend. And now she was back venting to me.

"I'm not chasing anyone anymore. If someone wants me, they'll have to prove it. I'm just going to focus on myself and my goals. Fuck men."

"Yeah!" I said, "Fuck men!"

"I'm not afraid to die alone you know?"

"Sure."

"No, really, I'm serious."

I could tell she was trying to put on her most serious face. The only problem was, she looked hilarious.

"Don't you think that if you have to go, it'd be nice to have had someone?" I asked her.

I looked away. I couldn't look at her face like that any longer without falling over laughing and making fun of her. That wouldn't go very well for me. She had a mean right cross.

"Nah." she said. "I'm good."

"Okay then. Glad we got that settled. You are going to die alone, and I, well I plan on dying with at least eighteen wives, probably thirty kids and one-hundred grand-kids. They will all be at my funeral, I suppose you're invited too. I've got it all worked out. They each have to tell a joke at my funeral. And I've already written all the jokes for them! Those little fuckers, I'll be looking down from heaven as a proud man that day."

"You're so full of shit Chester."

"I've written your joke too."

"Oh yeah?" She rolled her eyes at me.

"Yes ma'am." I cleared my throat.

"Chester was a good man. No, a great man. He was a great man. A genius really. If he was here today he'd probably say something like, "For fuck's sake Sabrina don't die alone! I'll give you one of my grand-kids! Take the most handsome one! It'll be tough for him, with you being an old hag these days, but he can suck it up! Just don't die alone! Promise me?? Promise me you won't die without trying...?"

"Is that it? You're a fucking comedian Chester." She did a sarcastic applause that really hurt my feelings.

"Oh no! It's already happening!"

"What's happening??" she asked.

"You're turning into a bitter old hag! I think I see a grey hair!"

I pointed to her head.

She slapped my finger away. I could see the small formation of a smile on her face but she was fighting it.

"Fuck you!" she said.

I grabbed her hand that slapped me.

"Don't die alone, okay?"

She looked at me and then looked down at her feet.

"Yeah.. Okay."

She looked up again.

Our eyes met. And then she slapped me across the face.

"What the hell Sabrina??"

"You're an animal Chester."

"Are you serious right now??"

"I could tell what you were thinking." she was blushing.

"Oh yeah? So you're a bitter hag who can read minds now? College has really changed you dude."

She started nervously playing with her hair and she said,

"Hey so, I had a pretty fucked dream last night that this serial killer broke in and slit my throat."

"Jesus! Did you wet the bed again?"

"This is serious Chester!!" She really did have a serious face this time.

"Do you think you could sleep here tonight? Maybe on the floor??"

she was fiddling with her thumbs in her lap and looking down at her white converse shoes.

"Oh I don't know, I have to meet thirty wives you know? That's going to take a lot of work."

"Cut the shit! I'm serious! ... stay here?"

I looked at her and smiled.

"Sure kid, I can do that."


-C.H.







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