Take Care Of Your Soul For Me

I am sorry. I wish there was more inside of me other than that right now, but there isn’t. The days pass and I try to make the best of them. They’re hollow without you in them. I am empty. And I am okay. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I am in denial? This time it was my fault. For the last week I have felt the urge to defend myself, which in hindsight is incredibly cowardly. I wanted to blame the booze. And I wanted to blame the drugs. And I even wanted to blame you, that being the most cowardly thing I could do. It didn’t feel like me, yet, it was me who hurt you. Clipping your wings has never been, and will never be, my intention. I wish to see you fly. I will only be happy if you are free. You opened up about your biggest fears in this relationship and I let it become a fear of mine as soon as I heard it. And I thought I saw a path to how you and I would get there if we didn’t communicate better. Foolish, I know. When I heard you didn’t believe in life-long partners anymore, I was okay with it until I wondered if that meant you ‘only believed in temporary partners now?’ And then, like a cancer, those two thoughts poisoned me. I was fine until the booze and the drugs. The poison is my responsibility. The venom came anyway. I let words fly that I didn't mean. I let emotions get the best of me. I was weak and cowardly. Your feelings do come before mine. And sorry doesn’t cover it. ‘Sorry’ seems like a silly word when it is read as just a word and not felt as a feeling. My only hope is you’ll be able to feel how sorry and full of regret I am. Sorry is all that’s truly inside of me right now. You deserve to feel like the best version of yourself in this relationship and not be held responsible for what happened a year ago. You deserve a warm love. I know we aren’t those people from a year ago. What we’ve gone through has been hell and now we have a few demons following us closely. Please know I am fighting them. I was wrong and I take responsibility for pushing away the one woman who has truly loved me for me . . . Your soul is precious to me. Please take care of it. 

I am sorry but I am not asking for forgiveness. I don’t deserve it.

Forever yours.

He wrote that days before the school shooting. 

It remained neatly folded in an envelope on her night stand when he passed.

THE END. 

CH 10/12/26