Retirement

Hey, Mister,

I saw that you finally gave up. I’m proud of you for that. It’s not easy to give up on something you care about. People think quitting is easy, but it’s much easier to pretend like we are still trying—like we still have a shot at it—then it is to admit to ourselves that we missed our one chance. It’s much easier to make excuses, than to take accountability. You know you had enough time to make your dreams come true. And you know how blessed you were. You don’t blame anyone but yourself. And that makes you a man. If you ask me, mister, that makes you a man. You had every damn opportunity to make it happen. You were blessed. Chosen, even. And you pissed it all away. You pissed it all away and you know it. I’m proud of you for being self-aware. You were lazy. And undisciplined. You always were the biggest ‘dream doper’ that I’ve ever known. You could have done it. We all knew you could’ve done it. You had the support of so many of us. And, Mister, let me tell you, you really could’ve shined. I mean, you did shine a little, but we all saw how bright you could’ve become. You're getting older now. You’ve changed quite a bit. We know that fire dies off. But, hey, what’s left after the flame burns bright? . . . The coal’s, Mister.The coals are left after the flame. And they’re hotter—more dangerous that way. One little gust . . . And the flame comes back. I reckon you got coals in your soul now. One little gust, Mister, and that fire might come back. It might. You believe that, don’t you? Do you feel like coal? . . . I’m just curious . . . And we are all curious about what you will try to become now. What will you become now, Mister? Now that you’ve given up on one dream, what will your next one be? They say you're smart, but we know that’s not that true. You are more hardworking than talented. People don’t know that about you. They think you are handsome and talented and privileged and they expect things out of you. They really do. It’s really your fault for being so driven. It’s your fault for being the one who wants to chase dreams. You get people to believe in you. You really do. And because of that, they have expectations for you. They want to root for you. We all want to root for you. Whatever it is you choose, we’ll root for you.

I know it will feel like you're killing a part of yourself . . . I know that feeling all too well, as you know. But we have to believe that something new will emerge from this sacrifice, don’t we? I suppose it’s probably true. Kill the flame but keep the coals. I bet you can do that, Mister. I really bet we could.

Let go. It’s okay. Just let go of it for good. If you feel it again, go after it. But, you can’t force it, Mister. You can’t force it. Remember what you told me once—a long time ago now—you said, ‘Nothing changes if nothing changes’? I remember it. I’ll never forget it. I was stuck. Stuck in my life. I couldn’t see it very clearly. I was blinded by ambition. Deaf to reason. All that pain that I had, it drove me. It controlled me. Just like you were. Maybe in order to change ourselves, we have to sacrifice something. The bigger the change, the bigger the sacrifice . . . Do you think that’s true? I reckon it might be . . .

Drop the mask, Mister. Let go of that alter ego you created. You needed it back then, when you were suffering, but you don’t need it now, do you? The storms in your soul have subsided for now. That’s a good thing, Mister. You almost drowned in that chaos. Now you get some peace. You were so broke for so long, but now you get to be rich. You will get rewarded for all your hard work, it just won’t be the reward you wanted. You get the thing you never wanted—the thing you never had. Money. Status. Influence. New devils for these new levels, Mister. New responsibilities. A new path. An adventure, Mister—you get a chance to go on a new adventure. You can change your life. That's pretty cool if you ask me. That’s why I wanted to write to you to tell you that I am proud of you for giving up.

CH 3/2/25