More And Less

It scared the shit out of me

to realize 

I can still 

fall 

even more 

in love 

with 

her.

And 

it scared the shit out of me

to have to learn 

how

to 

love 

her 

less.

And it broke me 

to learn

how 

to

let 

her 

go.

And it harden my soul

to have to 

do life 

alone

after tasting

how sweet and dark

her heart

is.

And I died a little death

when I pushed her 

away

so I could maintain

some boundaries and self-respect.

I pushed her away

so she could avoid

the pain.

I fed her lies

because I knew

in a month or three

she was going to say goodbye to me.

So I pushed her away first . . .

And I ruined 

her image of 

me

so she would stay 

away. 

Now she is free 

to pursue her love 

without me 

in the background making 

her feel guilty.

Now she can find the peace she seeks,

And I can refocus on myself. 

Everyone wins 

when her and I finally end

this insane roller-coaster 

we’ve been on for too long.

Now we can both get off this ride,

and we don’t have to hide

our true selves from each other

anymore.

Now we can go back 

to the lives we had before,

while pretending to know

there isn’t someone else out there

who holds a space for us in their soul.

. . . I just wish I didn’t have to push her away

but I didn’t see any other way.

Any sort of respectable goodbye

would’ve kept our love alive.

So,

I had to

break her heart

and hurt her ego

so she could finally let me go . . .

This may be the worst thing I’ve ever done. 

CH 1/16/26