I Did This To Myself

Beauty 

Escapes me

   All my eyes can see

Is suffering

    Instead of beauty

It all feels ugly

   And inside of this head

Mold starts to grow

  From the damp darkness I’ve come to know

Instead of the sun

  I howl at the moon

And just hope that the sun returns soon

    And instead of taking a piss on the abyss

The abyss pissed on me

   And now I am pissed

Now I am nervous 

   That I might’ve missed my chance

    To dance 

   To the sound of the cosmos 

This flow lately

   Has been rough

     But I did asked to become tough

I just thought I was already tough enough . . .

    Beaten black and blue

I choose 

   To stay here

     In the damp darkness

Because that’s where the starving artists shines

   As long as this mind of mine

     Can take it

Then I know I can make it . . .

    Romanticizing suffering

Was never the move

   But I found my groove

And had nothing to lose

   So I stayed for too long

Just me, my shadows, and my bong

    But we were almost gone for too long 

The soul took the hits

   And bit by bit

The soul was chipped away 

    But on this day

I would like to say

   That I am ready to see

      The beauty 

I am ready to leave the abyss

   And live again

I am ready for the sun to shine on this mind of mine

   And for the mold in my head

To turn into flowers

    Because I cannot spend another hour

In the shower

   With cold water

Running down my spine 

I’d like to focus beautiful things for awhile

   And let go of everything hostile

    I’d like to change my mask

     And try out a new style 

I’d like for beauty

   To find me again

    And warm up

    Everything cold within

     So I can stop shivering

     And start living 

But alas,

  I did this to myself 

    And that’s why it’s so hard to ask for help

And I know that the only person that can save me

   Is me 

I’ll climb out of this pit where the shadows live

   And I’ll take everything inside of me 

     All of my strength 

      And I’ll climb upwards

       Towards the sky

        Towards the light

         And I just might

Make it out

     CH 5/3/24