How To Be

I forgot how to be me

I just

      Adapted

To everyone

   To everything 

And before I knew it

     I wasn’t me anymore

I was a programmed zombie

    A shitty copy of something 

I was a mirage of the man I dreamed of becoming 

    I became a ghost

Here

   But just

Barely 

   A fading dream right before dawn

My legs became weak

    My mind grew to be a zoo

A bunch of caged beast longing to be free

   I became you, not me

And I became that one celebrity 

   I became that one athlete 

I became that one writer

    I became my past

And the collective past

   I became the world

The world did not become me

    I lost my eyes

I couldn’t see

   I lost my voice

I was stripped of everything that made me unique

   I couldn't speak 

I didn’t have a choice 

    I had to react to everything

I was taught to react to everything

    I was taught how to be someone else

Not myself

   I was told what to feel when this happened

And what to think when that happened

   And what to say when someone does this thing

I was taught not to question anything

    I fought it

I really did

  For a little bit, I did

But this world breaks you down

   I became this society 

I became this country's history 

   I was thinking in America’s philosophy 

And my unconscious was Freud’s psychology 

    I adapted to my parents

And I adapted to Madras, Oregon

   I adapted to being poor

And I learned how to break 

    I learned how to break

My dreams died

   My belief in myself evaporated 

My hope became poison 

   I didn’t like reality 

So I smoked weed

   And got lost in stories

Anything to forget about who I was turning into

   I used women to cope

I used dreams to dope

   I used the poison of fake hope

I drowned

   I burned

I shattered

    I faded

I got lost in the maze

   I took my time for granted

I used to know who I was

   I used to remember

But now

   After this much time has passed

I’ve completely forgotten how to be me

    I just react to everything.

-CH 5/12/25