I made the mistake
Of giving a toast
At my friends wedding
Two years ago
And now
It seems
To be expected of me
Clint Haugen
‘The Toaster’
I also made the mistake
Of getting ordained
And marrying those same friends
About 2 hours
Before the infamous toast
Clint Haugen
‘The Minister’
I’ve been asked to marry two more sets of friends
This summer
It’s become
Expected
So I think I’ll really fuck with Josh and Joselyn
Just roast the shit out of them
In front of their friends and families
Just so
I don’t
Get asked
To do
Anymore
Weddings
Then,
I think I’ll cause as much drama as I can
Which will be easy
Considering the fact
That I have a sexual history
With half of the guest list
Oh the sweet chaos.
The memories.
The booze and the stories–
It’ll be glorious.
And I,
Hopefully,
Won’t ever have to give
Another toast at another wedding
Ever again
Clint Haugen
‘Agent Of Chaos’
Sorry Josh and Joselyn
But really
What did you guys expect?
A few jokes and a heartfelt toast?
You want me to melt their hearts
And then make their eyeballs leak?
Just because
I am well spoken,
A writer,
And a good friend,
That doesn’t mean
That I’ll do
A good job . . .
Well shit,
Maybe for you guys
I will.
Clint Haugen
‘The Good Friend’ (Who gives cheesy speeches for free.)
You’re welcome,
I guess.
-C.H.
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