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Hire Me For Your Wedding, Baptism, Or Funeral - Before I Raise My Rates

I made the mistake

Of giving a toast

At my friends wedding

Two years ago

And now

It seems

To be expected of me

Clint Haugen

‘The Toaster’

I also made the mistake

Of getting ordained

And marrying those same friends

About 2 hours

Before the infamous toast

Clint Haugen

‘The Minister’

I’ve been asked to marry two more sets of friends

This summer

It’s become


So I think I’ll really fuck with Josh and Joselyn

Just roast the shit out of them

In front of their friends and families

Just so

I don’t

Get asked

To do




I think I’ll cause as much drama as I can

Which will be easy

Considering the fact

That I have a sexual history

With half of the guest list

Oh the sweet chaos.

The memories.

The booze and the stories–

It’ll be glorious.

And I,


Won’t ever have to give

Another toast at another wedding

Ever again

Clint Haugen

‘Agent Of Chaos’

Sorry Josh and Joselyn

But really

What did you guys expect?

A few jokes and a heartfelt toast?

You want me to melt their hearts

And then make their eyeballs leak?

Just because

I am well spoken,

A writer,

And a good friend,

That doesn’t mean

That I’ll do

A good job . . .

Well shit,

Maybe for you guys

I will.

Clint Haugen

‘The Good Friend’ (Who gives cheesy speeches for free.)

You’re welcome,

I guess.


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