Sex

I've come to the conclusion that

sex controls me more then I would like it to...

Consciousness might be something like,

‘Where we put our attention.’

It seems that our functions of being alive are mostly subconscious.

Our lives are on autopilot.

We might have a lot less ‘free will’ then we give ourselves credit for.

But the one thing we have some control over is,

where we put our attention;

what we choose to focus on.

This is great in theory

but I feel like a beautiful woman scrambles the rational mind

and the sexual desires stir a flame inside of me.

Too many times am I out in public,

attempting to read or write,

and a beautiful woman walks in.

My thoughts

My flame

My sexual urges

My mind

Are all pulled towards her.

I try not to look at her

but

my eyes betray me.

I try not to think about her

but

my mind starts to fantasize about sex with her.

I imagine what lays underneath those clothes.

I imagine what her lips taste like.

I imagine what her pussy feels like with her legs spread wide open for me.

I try to control my heart rate

I try to fight the nerves

I try to fight the pull towards her.

No dice.

I am losing the battle of controlling where my attention is going.

I came to certain place to focus the mind

and attempt to create or learn.

I try to control the autopilot mode

But,

I lose this fight when sex is on the table.

This is probably my biological urge to reproduce that I am fighting

but

maybe it’s also the desire for connection?

The desire for affection?

The desire to drown the loneliness I feel?

Maybe it is more than just ‘cock in pussy’?

Whatever it is,

it is distracting when trying to focus the mind.

One my main problems is,

(Trust me, there are many)

I find so many women

beautiful.

So many of them are the gas for the flame.

I’ve made many poor choices when it comes to sex.

I took it’s power for granted. I didn’t understand what sex should be for me.

I think of it now as something like,

‘The physical expression of affection towards another person.’

I always thought it was about an orgasm.

What a silly boy I was.

My goal used to be,

‘To make my partner cum harder than they ever had before.’

I had a deep desire to be a great lover.

Most of the time,

I wasn’t.

and the two of us would be left

disappointed.

I’d feel inadequate,

Useless,

‘A quick cummer who will leave every lady disappointed.’

I’d feel insecure,

hurt,

not hurt by my partner,

but it hurt that I couldn’t give her what she wanted.

Hurt that I wasn’t good enough.

My young and idiotic mind thought that,

if I had enough sex,

with enough different women,

I’d get better.

I’d become that great lover I wanted to be.

Instead,

The cycle of bad sex continued

And I just disappointed

more

and

more

women.

Which only furthered the pain I would feel afterwards.

Sex got distorted for me.

It’s real meaning,

It’s real purpose,

Its expression;

It was empty sex without a meaning.

And afterwards

I was always left

emptier.

The french have an expression

for those moments of pure nirvana

immediately after cumming,

‘Petite Mort.’

It translates as,

‘Little Death’

They say that a little part of ourselves die when we have sex.

I had a beautiful woman tell me this,

after 5 rounds of sex that day.

She told me that she believes that,

‘sex is the exchange of energies between two people.

That you give some of your life energy away

but,

you receive theirs in exchange.’

She told me I should read tantric sex books.

As I laid there naked,

staring up at the ceiling,

I wondered if this exchange

isn’t always an equal exchange.

I wondered

if sometimes,

during the meaningless sex,

A part of you

just

dies.

But maybe the sex that is something like,

‘The physical expression of affection.’

is a perfectly wonderful

and balanced

exchange of energies.

And instead of a little piece of us dying,

we are given life energy in exchange for life energy.

A little death for a little death creates a little life.

I thought about this for awhile

And then,

very nervously,

I asked her…

‘So what is my energy like…?’

She laid there,

naked,

in silence,

and finally said,

‘You feel

peaceful

but also,

troubled.’

I laughed

and smiled.

I had to admit,

she was pretty spot on.

-C.H.