Updated: Dec 13, 2021
I woke up at 6am on a Sunday morning on a strange couch.
Someone had been nice enough to put a blanket over me.
It was the beginning of December
And it was a cold morning.
I remember a few moments before falling asleep on that couch.
I was drunk.
All the way drunk.
I plopped myself down
And remember thinking
‘Well shit, I’m either going to pass out right here
Have to crawl on my hands and knees to the toilet
And throw up all the booze.’
I kept the poison down
I kept it in my belly.
In the morning,
I didn’t want to lay around
And wait for someone else to wake up
who could give me a ride to my car.
It wasn’t that far from the couch.
Maybe a mile away.
I got up
My head throbbed
My throat hurt
I was still nauseous
My body ached.
I got myself up
And on wobbly legs
made it to the kitchen sink.
Filled up a glass of water
Filled up another glass of water
And downed that one too.
I got on my sweatshirt and jean jacket
Grabbed my boots and threw them on my feet
And started walking back to my car
Holy shit was it cold!
I was up at sunrise
And no one else was out walking the streets yet.
The sunrise was leaving a beautiful pink hew over the snowy mountains.
I was walking straight towards those mountains
“I’m in a fucking painting.”
I thought to myself.
It really was a peaceful walk back to my car.
Hangover from hell and all.
I got in my car and blasted the heat.
My car would need a good ten minutes to thaw out.
I got out my phone,
of course it was almost dead.
I had a nude picture that a friend had sent to me on it.
She had huge tits
And i had never known this about her.
“Your tits look huge this morning!”
‘They’re always huge.
I have DD.”
She sent a video of them this time.
were they nice.
I told her she was making me horny.
I told her my cock was hard.
“Show me that hard cock.”
I looked around.
No one was awake in this neighborhood yet
And you couldn’t really see through the windows in my car.
The ice was melting off of them
But I probably had another 5 minutes of sitting in there before they were fully thawed out.
Then I heard a car door slam.
There was a lady getting something out of her pickup right behind me.
I quickly zipped back up.
She started her pickup and scraped at her frozen windows.
I sat their frozen
She was beautiful.
A little older than me
She got in her truck and drove away.
So far, on this Sunday morning,
I had gotten to see a stunning sunrise over the snowy mountains,
A pair of great tits,
And a beautiful lady starting her pickup.
Today might not suck after all.
I still felt like absolute ass.
A hangover from hell.
I picked up a large black iced coffee and a breakfast burrito on my way home.
I put on a podcast about philosophy
Two men trying to understand consciousness and meaning.
They had been going around in circles for two hours.
I got home and my roommates were up,
“Ready to go Christmas tree hunting today??”
“That's today?? I don’t know if I can go today guys.
I feel like shit.
I need to sleep.”
They looked disappointed in me,
“Oh… okay. Well, you don’t get to decorate the tree with us tonight then.”
I took a big pull from my coffee and said,
My brother called me and invited me to breakfast.
“I just ate but I’ll hangout with you guys.”
I splashed water on my face,
looked at myself in the mirror,
sheesh, I looked rough.
I met him at the restaurant.
Ordered a bloody mary
And watched football with him and his girl for a while.
I was having a tough time with the bloody.
I kept sipping at it like it was the medicine that would make me feel better.
I left and drove back home.
The friend with the big tits was still sending me videos and pictures.
I almost crashed into a telephone poll trying to look at them as I drove.
As soon as I got home I got a text from another lady.
She asked if I wanted to drink with her today
Something was off.
She was suffering.
She was hurt.
She was suicidal.
She said one too many hints and I knew,
she might kill herself today.
I told her I’d be over in about an hour.
“Sweet, I’ll pick up beer.”
And was back in my car again.
More philosophy played through the speakers.
The sun was bright and my eyes hurt.
“Where are you?”
She asked me over the phone.
“About 5 minutes from your place. What’s up?”
“I couldn’t get the beer because I couldn’t stop crying…
Can you pick some up? Coors light in the glass bottle.”
I started towards the store.
“Sure doll, I’ll grab the beer.”
I grabbed a six pack of her coors
and a bottle of wine.
When I got to her house
And rang the doorbell,
Then rang again.
Then rang again.
I called her.
I rang the doorbell again.
I imagined she had already done it;
I checked the door.
It was unlocked...
I entered the house.
It was dead silent.
I thought I was going to find her body.
I sat the drinks down and wandered around the house,
Looking for her,
hoping to find her still alive.
The house was empty.
I checked the garage
Her car wasn’t in there.
I didn’t know what to do.
my phone rang,
Thank god it was her.
“Hey… sorry, I’m at a park right now. Want to come here?”
“Sure,” I said.
I walked to the park.
When I got there she was was laying on a bench,
We hugged for about one minute straight.
I let her cry on my shoulder.
She was so tiny.
Maybe five feet tall and one hundred pounds.
I could tell she was fucked up.
It was 12:30pm and she was already drunk.
“Want to talk about it?”I whispered in her ear.
“Yeah but let's wait until we get to my place.
Did you get the booze?” she asked me.
“Yeah, it's on your kitchen counter.”
When we got to her place,
we started at the coors light.
I didn’t want to drink but no way was I going to let this beautiful mess of a human drink alone.
She started to talk about everything that was going on with her.
There was an ass hole male involved,
two roommates that she was fighting with,
and of course,
She drank more than I did.
she does some drugs.
She talked and cried.
I got her laughing and smiling after a while.
Then I went to my car
and grabbed my boxing gear.
I was going to give her a lesson.
Let her hit the pads.
I gave her a lesson for about ten minutes.
We were laughing and having a good time now.
I put down the pads
And grabbed my gloves.
“Okay, we are going to spar now.”
She got excited.
“I won’t hit you though,
And if I do,
It’ll be super light.”
“Okay” she said.
I bounced around a little bit and pretended to ring the bell.
She came after me,
Like a wild bull being let loose.
I slipped and ducked
Bobbed and weaved
I let her hit me.
She hit hard for a 100 pound drunk gal.
We spared for about 10 minutes.
It was fun.
Afterwards, she went to change.
She came back in just a leopard print sports bra
And black leggings.
My god she looked good.
She stopped and looked at herself in her living room mirror.
She made about ten different poses in the mirror before saying,
“I’m fat, aren’t I?”
“No, you aren’t fat.”
“Yes I am.”
“No you're not.”
“I have big hips”
“You have a fat ass.” I told her.
She smiled at me,
“You think so?”
“Yes, you’re an absolute babe.”
She sat back down and we drank some more.
We talked about life
We talked about meaning
We talked about psychology
It really was a good time.
She seemed much better.
I hoped that I had helped her.
I told her I had to go.
I left her the rest of the booze,
collected my boxing stuff,
and caught my own reflection in her mirror.
“It’s the mirror,” I said.
“What?” she replied.
“It’s the mirror that is making you look fatter.
See? It makes you look wider than normal.”
She came and looked at her reflection in the mirror with me.
“Oh my god, you’re right! It is the mirror!”
We laughed again together.
Then I left.
I stopped at a coffee shop to finish a poem I had started in my head.
I ordered tea.
I couldn’t do anymore booze or caffeine
And I hadn’t eaten anything since that early morning breakfast burrito.
I felt like death.
I finished the poem in about ten minutes
and got back on the road.
More philosophy played.
When I got home my two roommates were there
And their tree was in our living room.
My roommate stuck up her middle finger at me
“Where have you been?”
I pointed to my tea which had the logo of my favorite coffee shop that she knew I liked to write in.
“Writing” I said
“Do you see this??”
She pointed to her finger.
“Yeah, why are you flipping me off?”
“I’m not”, she said.
She was smiling.
I realized she didn’t have her middle finger up at me,
she had her ring finger up
there was a big diamond ring on it.
I immediately realized what this meant.
I looked around to find my other roommate.
“Oh shit!” I said, “Congratulations you guys!!”
“You missed it…” She said.
“Shit, I’m sorry guys… tell me all about how it happened!”
They sat down with me
And told me the story.
They showed me all the pictures and videos of their engagement.
It really was a sweet moment.
And I had missed it.
Anyways, they put on Christmas music
and all three of us decorated the tree.
Despite the hangover,
Despite the cold walk to the car,
Despite almost being caught with my penis out
Despite the suicidal friend
And her fucked mirror
Despite having missed my sisters engagement
And this one is a true story.