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Therapy (Part 2)

“Heya Doc! How’s it hanging?? Oh! I like the scruff. Looking very hipster my guy. I like it. Anyways, what's new?? What’s going on? I missed you at the pub last week. I was keeping an eye out for you.”


“We need to have a serious conversation, Clint.”


“It’s always a serious conversation with you, man. Never any fun. Let's have a drink. Do you have booze here?”


“No Clint, I do not have booze here. And this is what I need to talk to you about, we need to set boundaries. I am not your drinking buddy. I am your therapist.”


“Yeah man, so I know what I want to talk about today.”


“Oh yeah? And what is that?”


“Love.”


“Love?”


“Yes, Love.”


“Well, what about love do you want to talk about?”


“How do you do it?”


“How do you do love?”


“Exactly.”


“Can you elaborate a little more?”


“I know how to love people in a general way, you know? But being in love, that’s not something I feel very good at. It feels too irrational. Too chaotic. It hurts so much, doc. It shouldn’t hurt this bad… it shouldn't, doc. I’m doing it wrong. I have to be. Love shouldn’t hurt this bad, man, it just shouldn’t. “


“Sometimes it does, Clint.”


“And we are just supposed to eat it and move forward?”


“What else can we do?”


“Shit, I don’t know doc! That’s why I am asking you!”


“I do not have your answers for you, Clint. Everyone loves differently. I can only listen and try to guide you along your own journey. But, please tell me more about your hurt.”


“It hurts, Doc.”


“What does?”


“Love.”



“It has always hurt, doc. Everytime I fall in love, it hurts. It’s usually a few very brief moments, too brief, if I am being honest, and then, so much hurt. I don’t think any one of them, for even one moment, loved me back…”



“Do you think any woman has ever loved you? Maybe, your mother? She loved you, didn’t she?”


“Yeah, in her own fucked up way she did.”


“What was her fucked up way?”


“She was a hardcore smother mother–for way too long. She’s definitely got a personality disorder or two. And she has to try to convert me to christianity everytime I see her. Her and I don’t really talk anymore.”


“When do you think you started to resent your mothers love for you?”


“Well, I don’t know if I would say that I resent her love… but maybe around 16.”


“What happened around age 16 with your mother?”


“That was when my parents got divorced. But maybe it started earlier…”


“Oh, I see. And how did their divorce make you feel?”


“I had to sit in the courtroom. I was the only one of us kids who had to do it. I had to listen to my parents rip each other apart over money. They were animals, Doc. Savage animals. And then, at the end, I had to decide if I wanted child support from my dad or not. I chose not to. I ended up living with my dad instead of my mom. We lived in a one bedroom shack next to the high school. It was a dump. It had no heat and I had a bed in the kitchen/living room. I think that’s when my relationship with my mom really started to go downhill.”



“She really knew how to manipulate men.”



“The household was crazy toxic for the few years before their divorce.”



“They both had some real intense moments with my older sister when she was a teenager. But she was off at college, battling her own demons, to see the worst of it.”



“And their fights were so intense. I remember, as a child they would scare the shit out of me.The fights between my mom and dad, I mean. Their fights with my sister were fucked up sometimes too, but the ones between the two of them hit deeper.”



“My younger brother lived with my mom most of the time after the divorce.”



“How did your parents divorce affect your brother?”


“I don’t really know.”



“You guys never talked about it?”


“I guess not…”


“That’s probably something you two should have discussed. You live with him now, right?

How’s that going?”


“Good. We’ve always gotten along. I wish he would help out with my dog more though. I hardly see him. We have opposite work schedules. And the house is kind of divided. I’m upstairs and he is downstairs, so even when we are home together, we aren’t together. He was going through a rough break-up. Remember? I told you about it before?”


“Oh yes, that’s right. Have you talked to him about seeing a therapist?”


“Uh… No, I have not.”


“That’s probably another conversation you two should have.”


“Yeah, probably…”



“So your mom was the first love you knew from a woman, what about your second?”


“Miahna? Yeah, she was great, but that hurt.”


“Why’d it hurt?”


“We were good friends for a year before she and her boyfriend broke up. He was a state champion wrestler, who had a notoriously giant penis. And he was the nicest guy. Her and I had one summer together, spent under the stars…”


“Then what happened?”


“Then she started talking about how she was going to move to a city 150 miles away. I got scared and pushed her away. She never moved and ended up back with her ex. I held onto those feelings for her for way too long. And then, I ended up fooling around with her best friend. I lost my virginity to the best friend of the woman I loved, on her couch, in her apartment. I lasted two pumps and sat with my head in my hands afterwards. I’ll never forgive myself for how I made that angel feel about the sex afterwards…”


“You mean Miahna’s best friend?”


“Yeah, her.”


“Did you ever talk to her about it?”


“I don’t think so…”



“Did you ever talk to Miahna about it?



“I don’t think so…”


“Well…”


“Yeah…”



“That sounds like some unresolved trauma, Clint.”


“I’ve played those moments with Miahna over and over again in my head.

And same about the moments with Jasmine.”


“How old were you?”


“I was 18.”


“What about your sister? How was your guy’s relationship at this time?”


“She had a breakdown at college. She was diagnosed with Bi Polor disorder when she was 18. One of the reasons the fights with my parents were so intense. I am pretty sure something happened while she was at college… I think it was sexual assault, maybe rape…I’m not sure…”





“You’ve never talked to her about this?”


“No…”


“Clint…”


“I know, Doc! I know!”




“I guess I don’t talk to people about things…”


“You’re talking to me now, and that’s a start.”


“A start…”


“Do you want to change Clint?”


“What?”


“Do you want to change?”


“Listen Doc, our time is up. I have a date in 20 minutes.”


“A date? Are you excited?”


“Not really. See ya Doc.”


-C.H.

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