The Great Pumpkin War Of 2022

Updated: Oct 15

Pumpkin mania is sweeping the nation

It’s getting bad out there folks

Worse than ever before

And let's be honest here


Is fucking disgusting.

So are we buying the shit out of it?

Why are there so many homeless?

Why are there so many suicides?

Why is fentanyl killing so many of us?

Why is there a threat of nuclear war?

And no one seems to give a shit?

Why are we so divided in America?

And why the hell are we so obsessed with anything pumpkin??

With all this shit going on

And we are buying pumpkin flavored beer that tastes like vomit

But somehow

Convincing ourselves

That it is good

Because the leaves are changing colors

And it's what people do in the fall–

They pretend pumpkin is edible.

If everyone in America

donated the money

to hungry people

that they would’ve spent this year

on the pointless act

of mutilating a pumpkin;

and then shoving a candle up it’s ass

for their two ass-hole neighbors to see,

then we could solve world hunger for a few months.

And sadly,

that’s probably true.


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