I didn’t want to work.
I didn’t want to wait in traffic.
I didn’t want to pay taxes.
I didn’t want to feel lonely.
I didn’t want to miss her.
I didn’t want to be broke.
I didn’t want to go to the party.
I didn’t want to talk to my mom.
I didn’t want to do a lot for others.
and
I never went out of my way to do so.
I never volunteered to help a neighbor
Or
A friend.
I never jumped at the chance to help a coworker
Or
My family.
I felt obligated to them
Often resenting them for taking up my time.
They hardly asked anymore.
They left me alone
And
I
Left them alone too.
Everyone else,
They also,
Left me alone
And that was fine by me.
I smoked weed and drank booze
I owed nothing to anyone
And they,
To me.
I had no money.
None.
I felt the squeeze.
The anxiety.
The pressure of being poor as shit.
The thoughts that don’t let you sleep
They make your legs restless as you lay in bed
Tossing and turning.
One wrong move
And
I’d have to borrow money
I fucking hated borowing money.
I had only done it 3 or 4 times maybe.
I hated it.
I wanted to get by on my own.
My ego was too big to ask for help.
My ego was too big.
I had too much pride
And
Too many insecurities.
Too many fears.
The booze
The weed
They helped me forget my problems.
But still
They rang between my ears like a bell.
The squeeze.
The world was caving in.
I was used to this feeling.
I had always gotten through it
Somehow.
I was still here,
Wasn’t I?
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