The Bell

I didn’t want to work.

I didn’t want to wait in traffic.

I didn’t want to pay taxes.

I didn’t want to feel lonely.

I didn’t want to miss her.

I didn’t want to be broke.

I didn’t want to go to the party.

I didn’t want to talk to my mom.

I didn’t want to do a lot for others.

and

I never went out of my way to do so.

I never volunteered to help a neighbor

Or

A friend.

I never jumped at the chance to help a coworker

Or

My family.

I felt obligated to them

Often resenting them for taking up my time.

They hardly asked anymore.

They left me alone

And

I

Left them alone too.

Everyone else,

They also,

Left me alone

And that was fine by me.

I smoked weed and drank booze

I owed nothing to anyone

And they,

To me.

I had no money.

None.

I felt the squeeze.

The anxiety.

The pressure of being poor as shit.

The thoughts that don’t let you sleep

They make your legs restless as you lay in bed

Tossing and turning.

One wrong move

And

I’d have to borrow money

I fucking hated borowing money.

I had only done it 3 or 4 times maybe.

I hated it.

I wanted to get by on my own.

My ego was too big to ask for help.

My ego was too big.

I had too much pride

And

Too many insecurities.

Too many fears.

The booze

The weed

They helped me forget my problems.

But still

They rang between my ears like a bell.

The squeeze.

The world was caving in.

I was used to this feeling.

I had always gotten through it

Somehow.

I was still here,

Wasn’t I?