A New Fear
Updated: Jul 17, 2022
Like a cancer
Festering inside of me
Has arisen
A new fear to overcome
A horrible
Dreadful
Fear
It is the fear of knowing too much
The fear of coming to a life altering realization
About morals
Or reality
Or perception
Or life
Something so shaking
That I won’t be able to handle it
My tiny skull
Won’t be able to hold it
It’ll burst through
And a dread will emerge
And grow…
I have a fear
That the more I learn
The more I’ll feel disconnected from people
And
Disconnected to so many other things
I can’t enjoy a movie now
Without dissecting it’s meaning
I don’t see the world
Like the hive mind does
I can’t go on a date
Without talking about meaning
I thirst for more knowledge
But
It does scare me.
Why have so many great thinkers gone crazy?
When you don’t see reality like the hive mind does
You no longer belong to the hive
You become something on the outside
Looking in
But
Still longing for some sort of human connection
From a few in the hive
Why were so many great thinkers sentenced to die?
There are certain concepts that I can’t fully understand,
simply for fear of truly understanding them--
or,
because of a lack of imagination
The more that I learn about mankind
The more I have to forgive them
And at the same time
I know that they are me
And I am just like them
I need to be forgiven too.
I can’t escape the mazes
I can’t keep shedding my skin
I can’t keep having a rebirth
First we have to experience something
In order to understand it
We cannot understand it at the moment
Only looking back
And it starts with our childhood
We have to have it
In order to see it
And then
We have to acknowledge our trauma
We have to see them
And then work to fix them
Or else they will control us
This is about as far as most people get
But there are many more mazes
So many more skins to shed
Our environment does not stop at trauma
And our environment shapes us
As much as trauma does
It’s this damn culture
It’s deep in the bones
Deep in the skull
I am an American
Whether I want to be or not
And it’s not so easy
To see how our culture has molded us
You have to study myth
And philosophy
And religion
And history
And understand politics
And the games theyplay
In order to have a clue.
There is a liberal culture
A republican culture
The generational culture
And then there is the hive mind
The collection of everyone
The peer pressure
That squeezes on our throats.
We will conform to fit in
It’s a survival technique
In our biology
To keep us alive.
Why do so many thinkers get banished from their society?
We have to shed our
‘Time and space’ skin
In order to think for ourselves
We get thrown into a time and space
Then we adapt to it
To become like everyone else
We’ve evolved to see the reality that we needed in order to survive
Not an objective reality
Our perceptions mislead us
And the maze deepens and deepens...
Somewhere
In the middle of the maze
Lay’s the true you
And the true me
But
there is so much of a psychic influence
From the external
That makes the maze a real bitch to navigate through
Then let's say
You’ve finally sorted through
All the negative influences
That have shaped you
And you start to think for yourself
For the first time
Then
When you go to look back at the world
You’ll see
So many of us
Still stuck in the maze
Still living in a constructed delusion
You have shed your skin
But so many are still stuck on childhood
And never get to culture
Or the hive mind
And relating to them
Gets harder and harder
The more you learn
And the more you grow
This is the fear of knowing too much
And it’s haunting
But like all fears
I can let it control me
Or I can proactively fight against it
I can learn to grow from it
I am a fighter after all.
-C.H.