A New Fear

Like a cancer

Festering inside of me

Has arisen

A new fear to overcome

A horrible

Dreadful

Fear

It is the fear of knowing too much

The fear of coming to a life altering realization

About morals

Or reality

Or perception

Or life

Something so shaking

That I won’t be able to handle it

My tiny skull

Won’t be able to hold it

It’ll burst through

And a dread will emerge

And grow…

I have a fear

That the more I learn

The more I’ll feel disconnected from people

And

Disconnected to so many other things

I can’t enjoy a movie now

Without dissecting it’s meaning

I don’t see the world

Like the hive mind does

I can’t go on a date

Without talking about meaning

I thirst for more knowledge

But

It does scare me.

Why have so many great thinkers gone crazy?

When you don’t see reality like the hive mind does

You no longer belong to the hive

You become something on the outside

Looking in

But

Still longing for some sort of human connection

From a few in the hive

Why were so many great thinkers sentenced to die?

There are certain concepts that I can’t fully understand,

simply for fear of truly understanding them--

or,

because of a lack of imagination

The more that I learn about mankind

The more I have to forgive them

And at the same time

I know that they are me

And I am just like them

I need to be forgiven too.

I can’t escape the mazes

I can’t keep shedding my skin

I can’t keep having a rebirth

First we have to experience something

In order to understand it

We cannot understand it at the moment

Only looking back

And it starts with our childhood

We have to have it

In order to see it

And then

We have to acknowledge our trauma

We have to see them

And then work to fix them

Or else they will control us

This is about as far as most people get

But there are many more mazes

So many more skins to shed

Our environment does not stop at trauma

And our environment shapes us

As much as trauma does

It’s this damn culture

It’s deep in the bones

Deep in the skull

I am an American

Whether I want to be or not

And it’s not so easy

To see how our culture has molded us

You have to study myth

And philosophy

And religion

And history

And understand politics

And the games theyplay

In order to have a clue.

There is a liberal culture

A republican culture

The generational culture

And then there is the hive mind

The collection of everyone

The peer pressure

That squeezes on our throats.

We will conform to fit in

It’s a survival technique

In our biology

To keep us alive.

Why do so many thinkers get banished from their society?

We have to shed our

‘Time and space’ skin

In order to think for ourselves

We get thrown into a time and space

Then we adapt to it

To become like everyone else

We’ve evolved to see the reality that we needed in order to survive

Not an objective reality

Our perceptions mislead us

And the maze deepens and deepens...

Somewhere

In the middle of the maze

Lay’s the true you

And the true me

But

there is so much of a psychic influence

From the external

That makes the maze a real bitch to navigate through

Then let's say

You’ve finally sorted through

All the negative influences

That have shaped you

And you start to think for yourself

For the first time

Then

When you go to look back at the world

You’ll see

So many of us

Still stuck in the maze

Still living in a constructed delusion

You have shed your skin

But so many are still stuck on childhood

And never get to culture

Or the hive mind

And relating to them

Gets harder and harder

The more you learn

And the more you grow

This is the fear of knowing too much

And it’s haunting

But like all fears

I can let it control me

Or I can proactively fight against it

I can learn to grow from it

I am a fighter after all.

-C.H.